


𝙄 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙝 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙮𝙤𝙪

by hwashinestar



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Apocalypse, Beware, F/M, M/M, this is very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:27:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25982830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hwashinestar/pseuds/hwashinestar
Summary: Nobody said it'd be easy to hold each other as time went by, but they managed to, one day at a time.
Relationships: Choi San & Park Seonghwa, Choi San/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25





	𝙄 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙝 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙮𝙤𝙪

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~ I got inspired to write this after finding out this audio edit to a song called Apocalypse by Cigarettes After Sex. I hope you will all enjoy it.
> 
> I wanted it to post it as soon as I had finished it, which gave me no time to properly read over it so... I apologize, I'll fix any mistakes later on.

Only their heavy breathing could be heard as they braced themselves against the dirty walls of the afore abandoned church, relief washing over both men at finally being able to get inside the safest hideaway they’d had so far —  _ of course, it’s safe _ , Seonghwa said when they first found it,  _ it’s a fucking church, San! _ He continued, obviously not obtaining success in convincing the atheist, but receiving a nod accompanied by the roll of his eyes anyway —, and, after what seemed like hours and hours of walking, running, and fighting for their lives, this single quiet-ish moment was exactly what they needed. They were glad to be home.  _ San was glad to be home.  _

“You... okay?” Seonghwa was the first one to collect enough energy to speak, although panting heavily still, his body turning to look at the man — at the boy,  _ his boy  _ — standing a few meters away from him. “Did you get hurt?” He asked in a rushed tone, coughing after trying to gather enough air to mutter a sentence in its fullness. “Do you want me t-to… go get you some water?” He closed his eyes, sighing deeply after, even if contrary to his wishes, his mind instantly went to the memory of San complaining about how getting water was a really difficult task and if Seonghwa wouldn’t do it, they'd both just die from dehydration. Funny, very funny. 

“First of all… I need… you to breathe,” The youngest finally replies, a giggle mid his broken words, and he steps closer to the other, one of his hands reaching to hold the one from Seonghwa that wasn’t holding the now fairly broken baseball bat. “I’m alright, my thighs hurt from how much we had to run today, but… other than that I’m… okay, I promise,” He offered a smile, letting go of his hand and making his way towards the mattress they had on an old, cranky bed. “I’ll need the water, though,” His breathing started to become a bit regular again as soon as he laid down, his eyes closing just in time for him to miss the way Seonghwa limped whilst walking to the next room. 

He would miss this. He would miss everything. Seonghwa would miss the way they had to daily be sure the doors were well locked and secured, and how they had to be careful not to eat too much of their food nor drink too much of their water; he would miss how San would grab the countless sticker sheets they had found in an abandoned store and then stick them to everything they owned, and how the youngest would step in front of him to hit whichever creature they’d encounter but would still jump into his boyfriend’s arms at the sight of a single bug. He would miss it all; he would miss what they fought so hard to conquer, miss feeling ever so safe into the other’s arms, would even miss their fights. He would miss  _ him _ . 

_ Is it possible? Is it actually possible missing someone after you’re dead?  _ Seonghwa wasn’t sure; as a catholic, he deeply wished he would be able to watch over him from heaven, he wished he would be able to miss him, would it be possible from heaven?  _ Heaven? Seonghwa, you’re not going to heaven! Laying with men? Do you think God would want you in that sacred place? _ His grandma’s words kept ringing in his ears; maybe not heaven, then… would it be possible from hell? Likely not. Yeah, Seonghwa would miss him. 

“Love?” San’s sweet voice broke through his line of thought and he looked back, cabinet door open, handle under his hand, water bottle still there. He must have lost track of time. “You were taking too long, I got worried,”  _ Yes, he did. _ Seonghwa smiled a bit, shaking his head, chuckling weakly, and apologizing; he reached out to grab one of the bottles, opening it and drinking a tad from it just to be sure it hadn’t gone bad — he would always do that, and San would be thankful every single time for always having someone taking care of him like that. “There you go again, Hwa, have you ever stopped to think that if the water’s rotten or whatever you’ll get sick? I can’t take care of myself on my own, so you getting sick is not an option, sir,” If only he knew just how much those words pierced through the oldest’s soul in the worst way possible…

“Well, you being the one to get sick is not an option either, young man,” His smile grew bigger and brighter at the sight of the other’s dimples now on full display; he knew San hated whenever he called him that, but he was also fully aware it made him smile. “It’s also not as warm as it was yesterday, so I think you’ll enjoy drinking it this time,” He handed him the bottle, his hand trembling a bit and shivers running through the whole extent of his body once his fingers touched San’s; the other’s hand not being the coldest one for once was way too shocking —  _ was it really?  _ Seonghwa knew it was simply his body’s initial reaction to what was bound to happen. “Do you wanna eat anything?” His lungs seemed to seek for more air than they could handle, and yet, whenever he inhaled, it was as if there was too much oxygen. 

“Not really,” San shook his head, gulping down half the bottle before handing it back to the other. “Right now I just wanna lay down again, kiss you sweetly and fall asleep in your arms, like we do every single day, love,” In a few seconds, he was throwing himself into the man’s arms, ignoring the huff he let out; San loved affection, he had always loved it, and, every time since they met ten years ago, Seonghwa would still dramatically huff whenever his boyfriend hugged him as tightly as he was doing right then. 

“Sannie, can you at least let me drink my water,” He asked after a giggle, not even being able to raise the bottle to his lips before there was a body being thrown at his. “Thank you,” Seonghwa smirked relieved after he pulled away, not at all phased by the blush on his cheeks and focusing on drinking the rest of the water in the bottle, watching side-eyed as he walked and sat on the wooden table not too far away from him. 

“S-Seonghwa…?” San’s voice cut through the actually comfortable silence right after Seonghwa had closed the empty plastic bottle, and, in a moment of naivety, the oldest didn’t catch onto the sudden tone that accompanied his name, simply turning around to look at him after murmuring a soft  _ hm.  _ Seonghwa’s eyes searched for San’s and, as he followed his sight, his breath got caught in his throat. Maybe it was the way the other’s attention was now totally turned to him or maybe how his heart was beating way too irregularly, but he felt uneasy. “You got hurt?” San all but jumped to him, rushing for him to sit down on the floor by his side whilst he grabbed his bleeding leg and placed it on top of his own thighs. 

“It’s nothing, San,” He knew he was lying, San knew he was lying. San’s whole body started shaking almost instantly as he lifted the man’s pants just enough to inspect the bruise —  _ or would it be bruises?  _ San wasn’t sure at first —; even all that blood being able to hide what was underneath it. Seonghwa got bitten. “I’m sorry,” He voices quietly, eyes quickly noticing the tears that were falling into his leg, it was everything he could bring himself to say; nothing felt right, not even those words. 

They stayed like that for a couple more minutes, as if both needed that time to fully comprehend what was happening — San trying to understand that the love of his life would be gone, and Seonghwa finally wrapped his mind around the fact that he had failed him. He promised so many times that he’d never leave, promised that he’d always take care of him, and now he had failed him.  _ He failed San. _

“Please… please don’t let go,” San’s silent whimpers sounded suddenly loud once he gently wrapped his arms around the other, the same words repeated again and again against his ear as he started feeling more scared by the second. San was already feeling alone —  _ and lonely _ —, and if the arms that tightly held him were to  _ ever _ let go he felt like he could actually break. “Don’t you dare apologize,” He said after he heard the beginning of what he knew to be an apology —  _ yet another one _ —, slowly and forcefully pulling himself away from his loved one, teary and puffy eyes staring at one another. “Don’t say you’re sorry because I-I’ll get angry at you, and I can’t allow myself that, not now, not when we only have… how much time do we have?” His hands slowly let go of the back of man’s jacket — knuckles aching after he stretched the fingers that had been strongly curled for way too long —, his bottom still settled on his lap.

“Probably around ten minutes, maybe even less than that,” Seonghwa managed to say it all at once, sounding as choked as ever, trying his best to hold back the tears that insisted to fall. The way his chest heaved under that immensely painful emotion was almost too much to handle, and he felt like nothing he could do would make it better — he could cry, sob, talk, yell, nothing would make him able to spit that feeling out —; in all sincerity, all he wished he could do was to be able to make take San’s pain away. His tired eyes stared at the oh-so-fragile-looking man that sat on his thighs, he had never seen San looking like that, even after everything they had gone through, after all the friends and family they had lost, after all the desperation they had felt while literally running for their lives day after day; San had never looked so broken. “I... I have a request, i-if that’s okay,” He gulped, closing his eyes and throwing his head back against the cabinet behind where he sat. His body was starting to react worse minute after minute.

“Of course, of course... Anything, I’ll do whatever you want me to,” San’s words left his mouth in such a quick and breathless way that had the boy beneath him opening his eyes again, worried for a second, his hands finding the youngest’s hips. A wordless ‘are you okay?’ leaving his eyes as he blinked down at him. “Yes… now please,” He sniffled. “Please tell me what you need me to do for you,”

“I want you to dance with me, if that’s okay,” Of course he wanted to dance, San thought; that was their thing, ever since their first kiss, ever since Seonghwa stood up in the middle of watching The Notebook with his best friend, and asked the skinny boy if he wanted to dance with him, ever since his large hands found home on the other’s waist.  _ Dancing had always been their thing. _ “A few days ago I found this old radio and I-I found some batteries when we went hunting for food... The radio works and although I know we won’t find any good radio stations I have… I found a tape too, I’m not sure if it’s playable because I haven’t had time away from you to try it, a-and… I was saving it for our anniversary,” That was all both of them needed to have tears falling through their faces again. Their anniversary was so close — according to the track they had been keeping, a week and three days away —, so, so close, and it hit them that they wouldn’t be able to spend it together anymore. “I know… I know the music will most probably make too much noise and they’ll try to get in but-”

“I don’t care, I’ll dance with you,” A shocked ‘what’ reached San’s ears and he simply shook his head, slowly climbing off his lap, standing up and reaching out his hand for the other to hold. “There’s no other way I’d ever want to spend our last minutes together than holding your body close to mine, so please just take my hand and go turn the radio on,” He found strength enough to smile a bit, smile growing a bit wider once Seonghwa held his hand and stood up as well, wincing as he limped his way to the hidden tape. “Does it hurt too much?” He asked carefully as if the question would make the bite hurt more, as if that was the most offensive question he could make. He wanted to make sure his boyfriend was okay, although he knew he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be, and there was nothing he could do to prevent his near future.

“A bit… but it’s bearable, honestly,” Seonghwa tried to smile, tried to portray truth behind his words. He hoped San had believed him. “Apocalypse… ironic, isn’t it?” He lifted the tape, showing San the name that showed written on blue paint on it. “Don’t you think it’s incredible how technology went around but we ended up listening to tapes and vinyl all over again?” He shook his head at his own comment, walking to the radio and setting it all up. “San, I have something else to ask you,” The youngest trapped his bottom lip in between his teeth, hands fumbling with the hem of his dirty purple t-shirt as he hummed, signaling he could continue. “I know you don’t like guns, Sannie, I do, but… You do know you’ll have to shoot me, right?” The heavy silence fell between them again, only being disturbed by the radio’s static. “The bat and the knives would do a good job too b-but the bat is completely broken now, the knives could get you to cut yourself as it’s happened before and if that happens you might not shoot me correctly, plus… the gun is quicker, harder to miss if you press it to my head, and-”

“How can you talk about it like that?” San had tears threatening to fall yet once again. Hearing the other talk about this as if they were planning a way to get back into the city to hunt was the most disappointing thing; of course, however, it’s not like he could expect anything else coming from him. Seonghwa had always been the one to make difficult decisions, to trace maps and plan attacks. He was always the heartless one, it’s what had kept them alive so far, it’s what had kept them together,  _ it’s what’d kept them alive _ . “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just can’t believe this is happening,”

“Hey, no, don’t cry,” Seonghwa stepped closer to him again right after placing the tape in, hoping it would start playing soon. They were running out of time. “Please, please don’t cry, I want your smile as the last thing I remember, okay? Please don’t cry, sunshine,” The man’s eyes were also filled with tears and asking San to stop crying was a tad hypocritical, but he didn’t care. He was about to say something else but his line of thought got cut when the song started playing, a relieved sigh leaving his lips as he stood even closer to his lover. “Now, please dance with me, I’m not sure we have much time left,” He was begging by that point, trembling hands holding the other’s hips and pulling him closer. Without a doubt, as soon as San hid his face on the oldest’s neck, they were both a crying mess again, quietly now, however. “I hope you’ll last long enough to be able to tell your future lover about me,” His words came out in a mere whisper, jealousy still stinging as it ran through his body at the simple thought of San with someone else other than him, but he didn’t have that right anymore. A dead man can’t feel jealous,  _ a dead man can’t miss someone _ ; he knew that now. San knew better, he knew he wouldn't last a day on his own. He didn’t want to.

They danced for only a bit more than a minute, moves decreasing pace as more parts of Seonghwa’s body started feeling numb. With a painful and slow push, the man pushed his precious one away; they both knew what that meant and, as the blink of his eyes became visibly heavier, San couldn’t do much but go through the drawers quickly, tears clouding his vision but not stopping him from finding the gun that he, unfortunately, needed.  _ Here _ , he whispered breathlessly, shaky fingers loading the gun with a single bullet, it would be enough, it had to be enough — he knew very well he would never be able to shoot him more than once. 

Seonghwa’s feet stumbled on one another as he walked to the same chair San was sat on before, breathing had proven to be immensely hard and keeping his focus was nearly impossible. It was true what they say, that you see flashes of your life in front of your eyes when you’re about to die; he saw all the special moments he had shared with his boyfriend in all these years they had known and loved each other, he saw it all, everything that mattered to him sprawled inside his pounding head as he cried a silent and dry cry, as he held onto San’s clothes for dear life after the other stood before him, as he murmured countless times how much he loved him.

He still needed to see his smile.

“Smile for me, please, my love,” Seonghwa’s voice was the weakest he had ever sounded; how could San ever smile in a situation like that? How could he portray a classic symbol of happiness when the love of his life was about to be gone? When the last bit of life he had inside him would soon slip away and San couldn’t do anything to put it back? “I-I’ll sing for you, I’ll sing and you’ll smile, please,” At the nod of his head, the oldest started singing their special song — a few words left unspoken and the tune odd over the tape playing on repeat, but no one could be held to blame —, dark eyes staring up, knowing San would smile as soon as the next line was said. “You’re m-my four-leaf clover,” And just like he predicted, San’s diples were on display although his eyes were still looking down at him sufferably. It was time and they knew it. Seonghwa pressed his face against San’s stomach as he collected all the strength he had left to hold his thighs and pull him closer.

The noise ripping through the air most definitely covered San’s second I love you, but he sincerely hoped the man, in his last bits of consciousness, had heard the first one.

**Author's Note:**

> Their special song is called Japanese Denim by Daniel Caesar, by the way.
> 
> You can find me on Twitter @/woovertue OR @/hwasshinestar


End file.
